Amanda had a great Mommy / Brenda Acker (Friend of her Mom )
Amanda,
I met you when you were just a baby. I was friends with your mom back in the 70s when neither of us had kiddos yet, and reunited in the 80s. We had great times, and I'm certain she was a great mommy to you! :) You two will see each other again. I'll look forward to seeing you again as well. Hope your spiritual journey is very fun!
12/24/08 Merry Christmas my sweet girl... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
Hello my sweet girl... it's christmas eve... and once again, you are not here... and i know, you won't be... but i still wish you were. i miss you so much. i have been thinking about the christmas's that i was fortunate enough to spend with you while you were here. there definately were some special ones weren't there? well, all of them were special, because you were here.
your first christmas when you had your red velvet dress... i have a picture your brother chris holding you. you were both smiling so big!
the christmas when we couldn't afford a tree and santa left one on our doorstep on christmas eve... and on his way out of the house from leaving presents he dropped his hat! you were so excited and proud to be in charge of his hat till the next year! :-)
the christmas you got your baby doll from grandma and papa and then we went shopping for her! since she was the size of a real baby, she got everything! baby carrier, bottles, diapers, clothes, shoes, hats! the works! oh, can't forget the stroller and diaper bag!
the christmas you wore your frilly lacy dress with the ribbons in your long long hair and your shiny white shoes. you were such a ham for the camera! i still have the picture of you posing so cute!
oh! and i will never forget the christmas that your dad bought you the barbie rv that you wanted! he insisted, because that's what you wanted! and of course you had to have exactly what you wanted! lol he spent hours on christmas eve putting all those darn stickers on the rv and accesories! lol but you loved it and i don't think he would have changed it for the world!
how about the christmas that your friend sara and her little sister stephanie came over and we strung popcorn for the tree and we made bread dough ornaments. remember the hot dog one i made for your dad? you thought it was so funny! oh, and you made that funky little angel ornament out of a styrofoam cone and sequins and a doll head... i have it on the tree right now.
our christmas in georgia when i made your little lap quilt by hand, it took me a few weeks, and you watched me the whole time... and never knew it was for you. you loved that little quilt... and so did your cat broni! i still have the picture of him up on your bed laying on it like it was his. lol
and i think one of your most favorite christmas' was the year your little neice elena was born and you were here to see her and spend time with her. you loved her so much! and she loved you right back! i know you still watch over her, and she's growing up so fast! we'll make sure that she remembers and learns all about her very special aunt 'manda.
i love you so much baby. i miss you so much. my heart is full with memories of you. keep a watch over your brothers, ok? they are scattered far and wide this year... iraq, korea, arizona. it's just me, ann and grandma. aunt connie will be coming over tomorrow.
sending sweet christmas angel kisses and hugs to you baby. i love you...
11/26/08 i miss you so much... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl. i find myself so full of emotion right now. the tears are so close to the surface but just won't break through. It's hard with everything going on around here, you know? i don't want to complicate things. i'm doing that enough with my back! thanks for watching over me and my surgery baby. i know you were there. and the anniversary of your angel day and of papa's too. give my daddy a big hug from me ok? i miss his hugs so much. and i know you are watching over grandma. she misses papa so much. i know her heart aches so much. it's been five years now. and with christopher so far away in iraq for his birday and all the holidays... and pt and the baby on their own this year. and i know you already know about holly. i'm sure you two have been partying just a bit! give her a big hug from me/us and let her know that we love her and we're sorry we weren't around more. we will miss her. ok, the tears broke through. i've going through my own stuff healthwise and you know that ann is too (your 'nother mom). i worry about her alot too, and i know you are close to her. was that you with that phone??? lol i think so. oh baby, here i am rambling about what is wrong or with what i want you to do, when all i want is to hold you and tell you that i love you and hear your sweet voice answer me back, to feel your arms, your body. that's all i want right now. and i know i can't have it. i love you baby and i miss you so much. i wish you could be here with us tomorrow for thanksgiving. i know you and papa always loved it so much. we'll be thinking of both of you. i love you so much my sweet girl. Close
Nothing eases the pain of losing a child. I see we lost our beautiful daughters the same year. Sara would be 20 on November 25. God how can that be? and you lost Amanda in November. How do we cope each day? I know keeping busy helps me. We lost our daughters in such different ways. My heart goes out to you. I don't know if I could of handled watching my daughter suffer. If you ever feel the need to write please do.
08/15/08 sleepless nights and busy days / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
well my sweet girl, here i am again with you so close to my heart and on my mind alot. i know this is normal for me at this time of year. i can't help it. it seems really strange to me that i'll be in the hospital recovering from surgery and probably going home about the same time you did when we were so glad you were feeling better. i know it won't keep you off my mind, but i'm glad i will be dealing with recovering, even at home, during the worst days for me. i still have such a hard time missing you. i wish you were here, right here beside me. if you were, right now you would be up too. you would have heard me and come out to see what was going on. you never wanted to miss a thing! then you would head back to bed and i would here "i love you momma" and of course my response would be "i love you too baby".. such simple words, yet so full of emotion and meaning. people say those words to each other every single day and have know idea what comfort it is to say them and get an answer back. i never would have thought in a million years that i would say those words and not get an answer. i know you are anwering me in my heart. i know that baby. but i miss your voice. i misse hearing you laugh at stupid things! i miss you having an attitude and compaining. i miss you asking to do something. i miss arguing with you about why you can't. i miss nagging you about the mess you leave in the bathroom after your shower. i miss hearing you complain about having to help with laundry or dishes. i miss you asking if you can drive. i miss every single little thing that so many people take for granted. one moment. one moment in time can change so much and people walk around every single day and don't even think about it. and rightly so i guess. otherwise everyone would be depressed and sad all the time. but i do wish that there was more of the "i love you" and less of the bad stuff being said. i wish people would think twice about the words they say to their children, young or old. i'm still here, grandma is still here, and i still get nagged at by her! but i'm greatful to have her here. i am glad for every day that i am here to talk with her and help her in any way that i can. i'm a grown woman and she still helps me! i so wish we could have had that. i miss looking forward to all the things you looked forward to doing. i wonder what classes you would be in at college, i miss what kind of car you would have right now and if we'd be having to make repairs on it. i miss going shopping with you and acting silly and laughing. i miss walking down the hall at night, stopping at your door and peeking in on you... just checking, for no reason at all except i love you. and seeing you in your bed, sleeping soundly without a care in the world. i miss you so much baby. words really aren't enough to express the emptiness i feel inside. i think of all the other moms and dads out there who have lost a child. not to leave anyone else out that has lost a loved one! i dont' mean to do that! but losing a child is... different. i think of us as the walking wounded. nobody can see the scars and pain and gaping wounds that we carry around with us each day, because they are on the inside, and we paste a smile on our face and go out into the world and do what we have to do... if it's a good day. and if it's not, maybe we stay home and try to bury ourselves in a book or with something on tv. or maybe we throw ourselves into our work so much that we just can't think of anything else. i love you so much my sweet baby girl. i always have, and i always will. and some day, i will see that sweet face of yours and i'll hear that sweet voice again. until then, i'll keep coming back and writing here. i'll continue to whisper words that nobody else can hear. i will continue to cry tears that i try to hide. i will continue to get through each day and night and be "normal". i promised you that i would be ok. and for the most part baby, i am. i am keeping that promise. it's just hard. and i know you knew it would be. i know you worried about me alot. but just when i think i can't bear the pain any longer, that i just can't move another step, i see something that reminds me of you, i hear something that reminds me of you, i feel a feeling that brings back a memory of something we did, i laugh when i see something that you would have just loved would just have to have! i'm ok baby, all things considered. and i will continue to do better every day, along with missing you. forever and always baby, i love you so much.
*i imagine i am hearing a heavenly voice answering me "i love you to momma"
10/8/08 Almost 3 years baby... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl. you are never far from my thoughts baby, but of course, lately you are closer than usual. i love you and miss you so much baby. i can't believe it's been almost 3 years now. how can it be that you've been gone from us that long? as you know, i'm doing alot better, but i still have times when it just overwhelms me. i know the next few weeks are going to be difficult. it's going to be really strange for me to be in the same hospital you were in so many times. it doesn't upset me, i'm glad that i am having the surgery on my back. i am looking forward to having some relief from the back pain that has bothered me all these years and just gotten worse and worse over this past year. i know you'd be so happy that they are going to fix it. you never did like to see me in pain. i certainly don't look forward to the needles and the pain and/or discomfort that i am going to be dealing with... but everytime i have to have something done, i just think of you and all that you went through. you were so brave and so strong. you handled everything with such determination and you never gave up. i know my situation is different than yours was, but i do draw strength from your example. thank you baby. please help keep an eye on your big brother in iraq. i know he has to go where his job takes him, and i know he has been well trained and all that. it's just so hard for me to think about him being anywhere near harms way. at least this time we've been able to be in a little more contact with him. that helps alot. keep and eye on your little neice and her mommy too. they are missing a huge part of their life and it is very difficult. and of course, keep an eye on tiffany. she's having such a hard time baby. she's scared and just doesn't know what to think or do. she misses her family, especially her kids. i pray that she ends up beating the leukemia. it just doesn't seem fair that after battling and beating having a brain tumor she has to deal with this now. we've talked about you alot, i told her about your mardi gras beads and we had a good laugh over that. oh baby, i wish i could put my arms around you and just hug you. i wish i could hear your voice when you tell me you love me, or hear you say anything at all for that matter. i come across things every now and then that are yours and they make me smile, and sometimes there are tears, but that's ok. i am so thankful that i do have things that were yours. they mean so much to me now that you are not physically here anymore. some things i keep very close to me, they mean so much. well my sweet girl, i need to take my meds and get myself to bed so i can get some rest. i feel you close to me baby, and for that i am so thankful. i can't say "i love you" enough. and "i miss you" doesn't even seem to be an adequate statement. but i say them anyway, and i know you hear me and understand. i miss you baby, and i love you so much. sending you many many angel {{{hugs}}} and kisses. Close
5/5/08 Hello / Amanda Cox (none)
Hello you may think this is weird just as much as me.Yes my name is Amanda Cox too I am sorry to for your loss.My birthday is feb 3 1984 . I wish you and all your loved ones happyness.We all know Amanda is in a happier place she is definatly missed. Close
3/30/08 What an amazing girl! / Fonda Silva (None)
I have read your story and I must say, what an amazing and special girl Amanda is. I lost my son Christopher on 02-10-2007 due to complications from a car accident and I hope he has met Amanda. He is 19 now and I hope at peace, and with other teenagers as well. I as well receive signs from him quite often and I agree with you about the med. line. You are a remarable mother in my eye's and reading your story helped me remember Im not alone and my son will always be with me.
2/22/08 such sweet memories... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl... it's just me... i sure do miss you! there are so many times in each and every day that i think about you... that someone will say something, or bring something up, or i'll see something, or hear something, or pick something up... and memories come flooding into my mind... and my heart. i cherish each and every one of them! sometimes i see a picture of you, or come across something that was yours, and i get a small swift pain that shoots through my heart... i can't help it, the loss of you is still so deep. the empty place that is left behind just can't be filled by anything else. your being in my life was such a precious thing baby! i marvel at the blessing that was given to me when you were born. so many of your friends are getting married, having babies, and just living life. it's lovely to see, but also hard at the same time. you should be in college, you should be in a wonderful relationship, you should be planning your wedding, you should be planning a family... but you aren't. i really am sad that i don't get to see you experience those things, that i can't experience those things with you. although, i know for a fact that you aren't missing any of that! you are in a much better place, healthy happy and full of joy! it's my job to deal with my end of it. and i will. i promised you that i would be alright if you moved on from this life. and i am keeping this promise. as you can see. sometimes i can just imagine your beautiful smile, looking down on me, on all of us. you kow what i miss so much? i miss you laughter! your goofy giggle! and i even miss your silly monkey face! lol you are forever in my heart and in my mind and in my soul. for that i am truly greatful. i just wish you were still here with me, physically. i miss being able to hug you, i miss being able to touch your hair, i miss so much... so very much. but i'm living with it. every day. and i'm managing. i even do really good on some days. and the really bad days aren't so frequent. they are still there, but not all the time. amanda... i love you baby... and i so miss being able to hear you say "i love you too momma" and see your sweet smile. Close
2/19/08 hey baby girl, thinking about you... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl... how are you doing? wonderful i hope. meet amyone new yet? have you found all the suggies waiting for their loved ones at the rainbow bridge? they sure do need some love and interraction as well as loving and hugs while they get to see their loves one again. i knew that if you were here with us you'd ge the one that would be head over heels for these wonderful and complex creature. someday, you'll meetup some of ours and you can take careof them till we see you again. ps... not too much junk food!lol
i've thought about you alot lately. good things, bittersweet moments, etc. i'm keeping all my art supplies and getting ready to set up a sewing room. it's ACTUALLY going to be a REAL WORKROOM for me to spread out and keep things. i hated having to put everything away after just starting to work on it. ann suggested it and is helping me design my sewing table with storage underneath. and also a reversable cutting and ironing table too, yay! we are using the studio, which is bright with natural light, and we can still make a photo studio along wth leaving space for ann to put her office stuff too. it will really be neat. i wish you were here to help me design all this. i know you always had a flair for this. i'll just have to think about how you do it, so i have your input in the project. that's what mostly hard. you're not around to talk to, to give me ideas for stuff, to rejoice when it' finished for a job weldone.oh well, huh? can't changewith things are to come.
tomorrow is grandma's 81st birthday. wow, 81. i can't even imagine the changes she has seen in her lifetime. alot i'm sure! i continue to learn from her every day. having her living with us is a wonderful thng. we've gotten her some cardinal things, of course, and i'll make a cake this afternoon. she doesn't feel like getting out to go to eat somewhere, she wants to wait till this weekend and then cook something good here at home. she mentioned a beef brisket, Mmm.
i'm working on our room to finish arranging it, we'll finish the painting this weekend probably. it's going to be so awesome. but of course you can see that! i'm gong to finish elena's room during the next couple weeks. then jesse will be here to visit the 3rd week of march till sometime into april. i think he has a month long leave. so that's cool. he'll be staying in elena's room while he's here. after all the upstairs is done, we are starting on the basement area. we have some big plans for down there, but most of the projects we can do ourselves so that it really neat.
i'm trying to get all my various craft supplies sorted and organized according to what they are for and labeled. i have some awesome shelving that ann has gotten me for down there with really cool bins that i can store things in while i'm not using them. i can't wait to get started with my reborn baby dolls again. i have several baby's that are promised already, and the rest i am getting ready for a fall/winter sale. i'm excited about that. i also have a sale towards thend of the summer, and that is exciting too. but that one is just sewing stuff, purses and suggie items only. help keep me urged on baby, i run out of steam! lol
well, i have take some meds for my back and am headed back to bed to let it rest and relax. i just wanted to come and just talk to you for a little while. some people have a gravesite they go to and visit, take flowers, talked to their loved ones... i' so glad have this place for you. i can' get to it from almost anywhere. i like that. every time i look at our family picture, or over at your pink boustier purse, it brings a smile to my face. you are such a unique individual, even nowi'm sure! i miss you baby, amd i love you so much. bye for now.
2/1/08... just thinking of you... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my love... i was just thinking of you and had to leave a note... i know it must seem silly to some, but it does help. anymore, i am about the only one that even comes here... but that is ok. i made the sight in honor/memory of you, but also for my healing and sanity. so that's ok. it's alright if it's just you and me. :-)
the new year has come and we've actually gone through a whole month already! i don't know where time goes sometimes. now we are into february and it just keeps ticking on by. soon it will be aunt connie's birthday, then valentines day and then grandmas birthday. i've found a couple of special things for grandma that i know she will like. and of course you know what they are! it just had to be done! lol at the moment i don't know what to get your aunt connie. i never do really, but i'm sure i'll think of something during this next week.
i continue to miss you so much baby, that never ends. so much happens in each day, wherever i go or whatever i do, that i think "amanda would love that" or "i wish amanda was here to do this with me" or "amanda would really appreciate that!". and on and on and on... the absence of your presence is felt all around me.
it's strange knowing and seeing your friends going on with life and growing up... sierra has two little daughters! can you believe it?! and amber has a son, he's such a cute little guy! and i saw where kara left a note telling you that she was going to be having a little girl! i bet her baby is going to be just gorgeous! i know that you would have insisted on being there and probably been one of her labor coaches! lol same as with sierra and amber. you were always one for the babies! your friends working and/or going to college, starting families, etc. life goes on. for everyone else. i wish life had been able to go on for you too. so much was missed.
can you believe how big alex is? it's really wierd though. because he is at the age right now that you were when you got sick. that's a little bit difficult for me to deal with. i can't help but worry. i know it's not hereditary. but you know me, i worry. lol and your cousin trisha... she's at that age too. she's such a doll, and i enjoy being around her. it can also make me a bit sad, knowing that i am doing or will do some things with her that i never got the chance to do with you. i miss you so much my sweet girl. so very much.
keep a watch over all of us baby. you know who needs looking after the most right now. pull some heavenly strings if you can, goodness knows there can never be enough heavenly intervention! i know that you can see and hear what goes on and you have a better view than we ever could. the best thing i can do is try to let go and let the good Lord handle it, cause i know i don't have the answers!
i love you baby, always have and always will. you know you are never very far from my thoughts. always just under the surface, just a smile away. give my daddy a hug for me, ok? i miss him so much too. bye for now baby. i love you now and forever.
12/15/2007 hello my sweet girl... tis the season... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl... here i am again, writing you a note and pouring out the feelings of my heart. you are near to me in my thoughts, dreams, and feelings. as you know, grandma and i made it back from our trip to take elena home; she is such a delight! i just can't imagine our lives without her... but of course there was a time when i thought that way about you too, and now i am living it. no, i'm not being negative or pessimistic about it, i am just recognizing the fragility of life and what we have to enjoy. how precious it all is. i hold on to each and every memory i have of you with strength i didn't realize i had. they are more precious to me than all the gold and jewels in the world. with them in my life, i am the wealthiest woman, the most blessed. thank you for being my daughter, for helping me learn about life and all it has for us to deal with. although it feels like the world is coming to an end when someone we love dies, it really doesn't. it goes on, day by day. and we continue to live, love, laugh, learn and grow. some things are just a little bit harder, that's all.
as you also already know... TOBY IS HOME! i am so glad! and i know he is too! he is so special to me, to all of us, and i know you loved him so much. he is doing so good and is very healthy. he has some adjusting to do with all the new sites and sounds, but he'll be just fine. i'm sure he can feel your presence also. i love the pictures of the two of you.
i can't believe that christmas is less than 2 weeks away! it's just come upon us so quickly! well, we were so busy with little miss elena... lol... but that is a good thing! how do you like the christmas tree??? i think it's beautiful! makes me feel like you are a part of it all too. your beads sure do add a certain sparkle with the lights shining on them.
well, i guess that's all for now baby. i'm feeling alright, i always find that surprising. you would think that christmas would be really hard for me... but it's not. its' always been ok. just seems like the hardest time for me is from about the beginning of july to the middle of novemberb and leading up to thanksgiving. those are some tough times. but i've gotten through them once again, as i'm sure i will continue to do in years to come.
bye for now sweetie, i love you so much. stay close to me and give my daddy a hug for me, ok? sending angel hugs and kisses to you all...
11/21/07... Thankful, Thanksgiving, Thank You... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl, just couldn't help myself, had to stop by and talk to you. it's thanksgiving eve and of course i am cooking! what else! lol everything i've touched tonight in preparation for dinner tomorrow has brought back memories of you. the veggie tray with the ranch dip... the ruffled chips and onion dip... the cheese and cracker tray with the pepperoni that you liked so much (i even remembered to get "the" crackers, afterall, it's a family tradition!)... the extra cool whip for my special pumpkin pie... deviled eggs! plenty to go around! (alex is so glad!)... and all the pickles and olives and pepper rings and, oh you know how it goes! lol i've made 4 pumpkin pies, 2 sweet potato pies and 1 apple pie.
i remember the first time you helped me with thanksgiving dinner... i mean "really" helped me! lol... you were 10 yrs old... and you wanted to do the turkey all by yourself! so i stood there, and told you what to do and how to do it, from the washing to the stuffing to the cooking! and you did such a good job! it was delicious. you took after your momma and grandma in that department! *wink* trisha is here this year, of course you know that. she has helped me all night. she's doing a good job too! we had alot of fun making the deviled eggs! lol what a mess! lol
ann and alex have been playing monopoly. she bought the new version... the one with "debit cards"! lol it's too funny! they are having a great time, not sure who's winning... i think they might be about even? we'll see how it goes! lol
OH! it snowed today!!! elena and i went shopping this morning... yes, i know, i waited till the day before thanksgiving AGAIN! to get everything i needed! lol *shrugging*... when we left the house it was just a misty type rain... when we went into the store it was a harder mist of a rain... when we left the store it was snowing!!! you should have seen elena's eyes! they were so wide and surprised! well, but of course you DID see her eyes, you probably had a hand in the whole snowing thing if i know you at all! lol
earlier tonight alex rode his skateboard up to 7-11 to get egg nog! the boy is nuts i tell you! well, actually i'm not sure if he rode his skateboard or if he walked. trisha went with him. they were frozen when they came back! but they had the egg nog!
grandma had a great day today, her peanuts arrived! lol remember boiled peanuts when we lived in georgia? she's been happily eating them all afternoon/evening. it's good to see her do something like that for herself.
*** side note *** ann was down to $24,000.00... and alex just landed on one of her properties and he had to pay her $1,000,000.00! lol i guess alex is winning, he has $33,515,000.00! they are having too much fun!
the holidays are so hard baby, but for some reason, thanksgiving isn't that hard. i really do have so much that i am thankful for. the family and friends that i have near and around me, the fact that i had you with me for 16 years, we are in our very own house this year! elena has been here to visit and in another week or so, me and grandma will be driving her back home, so we will get to see chris and patricia! chris doesn't know yet! shhhhhhhhhhh! lol
you and papa both always liked thanksgiving the best. i think that's why i like thanksgiving still. i enjoy making all the foods that both of you liked so much. remembering all the different thanksgiving dinners that i've share with each of you. we never had huge christmas's, we didn't go overboard like alot of people do. birthdays were good, but not overdone. easter was fun, but always kept in focus. all the other holidays were great, but thanksgiving was always something special to your papa. it was a time for family to get together and enjoy a wonderful meal, to remember good times, to have a good time together. it was about tradition. and you got that. you really got it. the only other holiday that you really had lots of fun with was halloween. and we can appreciate that too! ann has sworn that every halloween from now on, she will have some sort of costume that will incorporate a bald head! lol she will shave her head, like she did this year, on halloween... and then keep shaving it until after your angel day. she misses you alot too baby. she really does. she's so much stronger than i am, and she holds it together alot better than i do. but it's there. alex is doing good, but he misses you so much. he talks about you and remembers things that you said or did. we all miss you so, so much.
well, it's time for me to take the last pumpkin pies out of the oven. i better get out of here and quit rambling. give my daddy hugs and kisses for me. i'll be thinking of you both all day ya know. {{{hugs}}} i miss you baby, and i love you so much. keep smiling down on me baby, keep smiling down on me. i'm doing alright, most of the time, but i need all the help i can get. *hugs and angel kisses to you my sweet sweet girl* bye for now... oh, and toby gets to come home as soon as we get back! i am so happy he is coming home! it's been 1 yr and 9 months since he got sick and has been away from home. i am so glad they were able to adopt him into their program and save him, AND that they were willing to let him come back to us when he finished the program. i've been to visit him and he looks so good! and he is still so lovey and he remembers us. i know how much you loved toby. and he loved you! i have the picture of you holding him the night before you went into the hospital and he was giving you kisses. so sweet. he is a very special little guy to me, you know that. first thing chris is going to say when he hears about toby coming home is "well, you can just bring my cat right down here to me!" lol besides broni, he has liked toby the best of any cats we've ever had. it's because they are such big guys! both of them have been huge cats! lol
i'm rambling, i know it, but i can't help it. it's hard when there isn't anyone to talk to. people get tired of hearing about how bad you feel, or how sad you are, or how much you miss someone. they may not like to or want to say it, but they do get tired of it. i guess i don't blame them. it's just really hard, because i never get get tired of talking about you baby. i never get tired of looking at your pictures. i never get tired of telling stories about you. you are always so close in mind and heart baby.
Hi I just stumbled across this site while looking for a different Amanda Cox. So sorry for your loss. This site is a lovely tribute to her. Good luck in the future, and may you all be reunited in heaven.
11/12/07... it's been two years baby... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
oh my dear sweet girl. i know you must be looking at me wondering why i'm being so stupid. but i can't help it. i miss you so much! my whole body hurts i miss you so much! i don't understand. i never expected it to get easier to be without you, but i keep thinking that it surely can't get any worse, but it does. sometimes i think i'm just going to lose my mind. the world keep going on around me, everybody else keeps going, i do through the motions but in reality i'm frozen. i'm stuck. i want you back! i don't want you to be gone! i don't want the last year that i had to spend with you to be with you sick and hurting and miserable! i want your laugh and your attitude and your silly ways and even your stubborness too! i want it all back! here! with me! now! and i know i can't. i don't ever seem to get done what all needs to be done, but i don't exactly not do anything either. i want to. i really wish i could just kind of check out. i don't want to think about it or hurt anymore. i don't want to miss you so much but there isn't anything that can change that. i love you so much baby, i miss your voice and your laughter. i'd even like it if i could hear you talking back to me again! so many things that were so "important" before, just don't seem to be worth a damn anymore. why were they so important then? so much time wasted, so many moments lost. if we'd only known. but we didn't. you know, there are times when i feel like i just need to run away, far away, never stop running... but at the same time, i don't have anywhere to run to. and i really don't want to be without the people that i love so much. i lost you, i lost papa, i don't want to lose or be without anyone else. there are sometimes that i just want to scream at the top of my lungs, scream so loud and so long that my voice gets lost. but i'm afraid if i ever started screaming i would never stop. all i feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying and sleeping. but i can't do that. it doesn't fix anything. it just makes life more difficult for me and for everybody else around me. i feel like i am so full of tears that i could cry for the rest of my life and never be empty of them. i know, i know, you're saying "momma, it's ok, i'm ok... everything will be alright. don't give up." my HEAD knows that baby, but my HEART feels like it's been put through a meat grinder and will never heal. the more time that goes by, the less anyone mentions you. i feel like a real idiot when i bring your name up, mention something about you... nobody wants to talk about you. or anything else serious or gut-wrenching. nobody else wants to feel the way i feel and they don't want to see ME feeling this way either because they don't knwo how to handle it, what to do, what to say. so they don't say anything. your brother called me last night. he told me that he was thinking about me and wanted me to know that and to tell me that he loved me. that meant so much. he will just never know how very much that means to me. having the baby here with me/us is a really good thing. but at the same time it's so damn hard. do you know how many times in the past three days i've called her amanda? lol how stupid is that? thanksgiving is coming up; one of your favorite holidays. i'll make sure to get your favorite crackers. you know i always do. you know, i'm glad you got a chance to help cook a thanksgiving dinner. you may have only been 10, but you did an awesome job baby. and you always loved all the goodies and snacks and the thanksgiving dinner that i made. you and your papa. i think thanksgiving was his favorite holiday too. well, i guess i better quit blubbering and rambling and see if i can do something constructive around here. if i don't i'll never stop crying. i love you so much baby. this time two years ago we knew that the end of your time was so close. you had struggled and fought so hard. i was so proud of you, i still am so proud of you baby. i hope you're not ashamed of me for feeling so out of control. i can't help it. i just miss my baby girl. i love you so much baby. i love you so much. Close
10/31/07... Such a fun but difficult day... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
today is such a fun yet very difficult day for me... for all of us, i know... but it just weighs so heavily on me. two years ago at this time, this was the last day i ever heard my sweet girls voice. the last day that she got to talk to her grandma. the last day that she was active and doing something on her own. because in the wee hours of the morning on nov 1, 2005 amanda was placed on a ventolator because she was having too much difficulty breathing on her own and the breathing treatments and the breathing machine they were trying to use was causing too much pain. we tried to get to the hospital as fast as we could, she tried to wait as long as she could before going on the ventolator. the hospital was only 10 minutes away. no matter how hard any of us tried, when we got there, she was sedated and on the ventolator. it was all i could do to stay standing. and all i could say was "why? why? why?!" and i have no idea how it came out in a normal voice and not a gut wrenching scream. i knew right then, something deep inside me knew, that i would never hear my sweet girls voice again. i had never given up, i wasn't giving up then, but i just knew.
i was very blessed for the first 5-7 days though, she was only partially sedated. she could be woken up a little, and she could recognize us, and answer questions by nodding or gesturing. a bad thing though was that each time she woke up, she had no idea what was going on because the sedation caused amnesia. so she would wake up in a panic, not knowing why she was unable to talk, why she hurt, why her hands were tied down, and why we weren't fixing it. i would explain what was going on, and then she would calm down and be alright, until the next time she woke up. the only thing that kept me from going absolutely insane at the thought of my sweet baby reliving this horrible nightmarish situation over and over again, was that the amnesia prevented her from remembering the previous episodes of panic and confusion. small consolation, i know, but something is better than nothing.
right before they had to change her sedation to a different deeper sedation medicine, an "accident" occured. i personally don't believe it as an accident. i think it was meant to happen, meant especially for us. amanda came completely out of her sedation, fully awake. she carried on a conversation with me/us while the nurse and doctor were trying to figure out why she wasn't responding to the sedation meds any longer. that heaven-sent conversation or communication (whatever you want to call it) was very important and personal, and it was so needed. we were able to express our love for each other and reaffirm our commitment to her to make sure everything would be taken care of and she would be safe. no matter what. those few moments were and will always be so very precious to me. very shortly, they figured out that her IV line had come undone... it was totally find when they checked it just a few minutes before that at the change of shift... we watched them. this was no accident, it was a gift from God.
it was another 5 days before our sweet girl left our side and was freed from the disease and pain that was plagueing her. those days were so hard. at the end, if it had to happen, i/we couldn't have asked for a more loving, peaceful exit from this life. and as her mother, i am ever so greatful for that. amanda exited this life just the way she entered it... in my arms. and i thank God every day that i was there with her, and that the people that meant so much to her had spent time with her that day or were there with us at the end. i can't ask for more than that.
these are the days that i am working through right now. these are the days that weigh so heavily on me. i know they played out the way they were suppose to. i don't regret that. i know she passed on when she was suppose to. when it was right for her. the times were just so difficult, and i miss her physical presence in my life. i miss talking with her and being able to put my arms around her and feel her hug me back. i miss arguing with her, and talking to her about things. there is so much that i miss.
i love you so much baby... and whenever i think or say those words... i will always here your response in my mind "i love you so much too momma" ...
i will not overlook the fun of this day. halloween. elena, our granddaughter is here visiting. she is almost 3, and really enjoying the holidays. she has TWO costumes this year! today she will be "princess dora" and she will be trick or treating at her oma's office building. then tonight she will be a little she-devil, all sparkly and cute as can be! she is so full of life and fun. amanda loved this baby so much, and elena just adored her aunt 'manda! though amanda didn't get to see elena's 1st birthday, i know she looks upon her from wherever she is now and smiles at her antics and her growing and learning. halloween was one of amanda's favorite holidays, and i know she would have loved how much elena is loving it too.
so i am off, now that i have layed down the thoughts and worries of my heart here to leave them for a while. i will get us ready to go and enjoy little miss elena, and the fun activities of the day. i love you and miss you so much baby girl. nothing will ever change that. i am sending you angel hugs and kisses, share them with my daddy ok?
10/29/07, 3:15am... oh my sweet girl... i miss you... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)Read >>
10/29/07, 3:15am... oh my sweet girl... i miss you... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello my sweet girl... i am ok, i just miss you so much. this is such a hard time of year for me. well, there are alot of difficult times of year for me... obviously. but time is winding down to the anniversary of those last difficult days. this time two years ago you were in the hospital, awake, and wanting to go home. but you couldn't. you kept having a fever and they couldn't track down the reason why. it was so frustrating for you! but you were such a trooper and made the best of it. and in a this is also just about the time grandma flew out here to visit. you were so excited! you had wanted to see her so much! and she was sooooo happy to be able to see you! remember visiting with grandma while we went to run errands? she is so happy she had that whole day with you. just talking and sharing and being near you. she says that it was a gift from God. i think so too. i think that your whole life with me was a gift from God. i am so greatful and thankful i had you in my life. you are such a special person and brought so much into my life. i love you so much my sweet girl. i love you so much. i miss your sweet voice, and your sweet presence in my life. i so much wish i could put my arms around you and give you a hug. just hold you. for now, my daddy will have to do that for me. give him a hug and kiss back for me sweetie. i miss him alot too. sending much love and hugs your way baby girl. Close
well my sweet girl, one more month and it will be 2 years since you've been gone. 2 years. in one sense, i still can't believe it, i don't want to believe it, yet i know it IS true. and i hate it.
i love you so much baby. i miss you so much! today we got a visit from amber and chris and their new baby nicholas. he is so adorable! he's got a full head of dark dark hair! even more hair than elena had! and that's alot! lol i held him for a little bit, he was sleeping and just a little bit squirmy. i took him in to show grandma and let her hold him. she was so happy, she said it was the best feeling in the world... holding a brand new baby. and i didn't say it, but i'm thinking 'no, the BEST feeling in the world is holding your very OWN baby, and i don't have mine anymore!'.
we've been unpacking more of grandmas stuff, and i've found so many pictures of you and chris! it makes me so happy to see them, to know that we have them! i lost so many pictures, each and every one that i find is such a treasure!
i found your "tshirt bag", where we put all your tshirts that had pictures on them or sayings on them to save so i could make you a tshirt quilt. each and every shirt has so many memories! i am still going to make your tshirt quilt, only it will be mine. i'll make it a lap quilt so i can use it when i'm watching tv or curl up in it with a good book. i like seeing little things around me that remind me of you. things that show me that a little bit of you is still around me, close, touchable. i think about that last year we had together. i am so grateful for that year. even though almost all of it was with you being sick, we spent so much time together, you and i. we talked alot. you were so strong baby, i was and am so very proud of you and all that you did to fight that horrible disease. i had to get a shot the other day, a flu shot. grandma had to get one so i took her over to the shot clinic. well, she pushed me into getting one too. you know how much i hate shots! but i got it. every time i've had to do anything that involved any needles since you left i've just sat there and thought "if amanda could go through so many pokes and pricks and sticks and jabs, i can do this" and i get through it. you have shown me a wonderful example of strength and determination. i have learned alot from you baby. almost every day for the past week i've been so close to tears. i know that alot of it has to do with the fact that it's only one more month till your angel day anniversary. i'm trying to keep busy. that helps some. but i know that if i start to talk about you i'm going to cry. i knowi will because the tears are right there, right under the surface. it take just a word, or a thought and my eyes well with tears. somebody will ask "what's the matter?" and when i am able to voice what is going on, that i am just thinking about you and missing you, they usually say "i know, i know" BUT THEY DONT' FREAKING KNOW! how in the hell are they going to KNOW how I feel about losing my daughter?! sometimes i want to scream at them. the other day i tried to figure out some place that i could drive to where i could sit and think and cry and even scream at the top of my lungs if i wanted to without someone coming and asking me what's wrong or having the police come and see what's going on. screaming. screaming. at the top of my lungs. screaming so loud and so strong and so long that when i'm done i won't have a voice. that's what i feel like doing. but i can't do that. there isn't anywhere i can go, no place that i can do that. if i did that at home i would traumatize too many people. i would upset grandma so badly. maybe one day i will be able to let that out. that deep down heart wrenching gutteral scream that has been building since the day i answered the phone and the word "leukemia" was mentioned. the scream that has been building since i saw you so sick in the hospital, in so much pain that i couldn't even touch your hand. the scream that has been building since you were so sick and felt so bad and didn't want any of the nurses or aides taking care of things, you wanted me to do it, but you felt bad about even having to ask me or want me to. you were so sick, i would have moved heaven and earth for you baby, i took care of everything gladly. the scream that has been building since we heard that the leukemia had returned and converted to AML. the scream that has been building since i walked into that PICU and got to the entry of your room and saw you sedated and on a ventolator. my knees just about buckled beneath me and all i could say was "why???? why?????? why??????" and i actually was able to say it in a reasonably normal voice... not the screaming hysteria that i felt coming up from deep within me. something in me, at that moment, knew that i would never hear your sweet voice again. and part of me died inside. i didn't give up. i never gave up. you know how hard i fought for you, how i stood up for you, how i stayed with you and made sure everything was just right. well, as "right" as they could be. the scream that has been building inside me since i laid in the bed with you, with my arm around you, talking to you, letting you know that it was ok if you needed to go. that i knew you had fought so hard and so long and that your body was getting to the point that it wouldn't be able to fight much longer. the scream that has been building since i sat in that bed, holding you in my arms, holding you, rocking you, listening to your music, whispering to you how much i loved you, and then feeling you leave me and this world behind for a better place. the scream that has been building since i had to leave that hospital and leave you there and knowing that i would never see you again in this life. knowing that people that i didn't even know would be coming to take you away to some place that i had never been. the scream that has been building in me since going to pick up your ashes and bringing them home. but i'm afraid if i ever have a chance to let that scream out... i'm afraid it will just go on and on forever. that i won't be able to stop. i hurt so terribly bad inside and people have absolutely no idea how badly i feel. they try, i know everybody tries. but they don't really know, they can't feel my feelings. please don't be upset with me. i promised you that i would be ok. and i really will be baby. it's just so hard. it's so very hard. i miss you so much. everything is such a struggle when i feel this way. and i'm so afraid of losing everything else in my life if i can't get through this emotional turmoil. if i can't reconcile it, come to terms with it, get to where i can function better and deal with it better, that's exactly what i feel is going to happen. everything and everybody is going to slip right through my fingers and i am going to be alone, and still hurting and not knowing what to do. so i will keep going, and keep trying. doing my best, truly i will. i love you and miss you so much baby. so very much. if i could just put my arms around you again, feel your body, your warmth, here you answering "i love you so much too momma". if only. but it can't be. so i come here, to leave notes and letters to you that i know don't have to be here for you to know how i am or how i'm feeling, but if i don't get it out of my head i feel like i will explode. so i put it in writing. it gives some release to these feelings of sadness and grief. of longing and heartache. though those who may read this are going to really think i've lost my mind already! i only wish i had. then maybe i wouldn't be so aware of the emptiness of not having you here with me. i better go for now. i need to wash my face and quit crying and get to bed. i know i need sleep. i will ... i was just going to put "i will see you soon baby"... how stupid is that?! see? i still expect to turn around and see you, plan thanksgiving dinner with you, shop for christmas presents for you. I HATE THIS SO MUCH! but i love you so very much, and that is never ending. goodnight baby. i love you so much.
9/2/07...here i am again... / Rhonda Gregory (Momma)
hello there my sweet girl. how are you doing? and i have no idea in this world why i just wrote that! lol YOU are doing just fine! Better than fine actually! lol oh well, you know me...
we've been getting the new school year started, so far so good. as you already know, we've got a couple more people in the house. they are both doing pretty good so far. we'll see how that goes.
ann got back from new york... that was a really weird week while she was gone. i went to amber's baby shower. i cried the whole way there. i am so happy for her, she's finally got a grip on life and settling down. her boyfriend seems like a really good guy, they have a nice little house, and she's going to have a baby! can you believe it? it's a boy, nicholas eugene. i know how much you wanted to have a baby someday. it's hard for me, seeing all these milestones in life that other people are experiencing and you aren't here to do it too. i'll never see you engaged, or even dating. i'll never be in the waiting room while you are giving birth. sometimes i feel a bit cheated. i don't begrudge anybody anything! dont' get me wrong. i am so happy for them! it just makes me so sad to know all that will never be. and with ann going to new york so she could drive upstate with new york ann and vicki (ny ann's daughter) to take her to school. college. all the preparation. all the excitement. all the decisions. we should have been driving you to college somewhere. and if not college, seeing you get your very own first apartment. but that's not the way things are. and i know it. it's almost as if i feel a grief for the things that were lost, the things that we could have done together. It's like, we went through all the really hard stuff, struggled, didn't quit, and we don't even get to enjoy the good stuff now. it's not fair. it just isn't fair. i'm sure i'll get over it. it's just weighing heavily on my mind, it's the time of year. july, aug, sept, oct, nov. tough months for me.
i love you baby, i love you so much. i'm trying to keep going and keep looking at all the good things in life. i really try not to get buried in my grief. it's just there, lurking around every corner. i love you so much my sweet girl. so much. help keep an eye on all of us ok?
8/22/07... we did it baby... / Rhonda Gregory ((Momma))
we did it baby... it's actually happened... all those days and nights when you were sick.... when we talked so much about the things that were needed so badly... and how there needed to be a way of offering encouragement and support to people and their families that are going through such a hard time like that... all those little things that you knew could mean so much and make such a big difference... it's begun.... really truly begun... it's been in our hearts and minds for months/years now... and recently it started graduating onto paper and into words spoken between people, ideas being bounced around, hopes and dreams and desires that mean so much... and last night, it happened... someone called... someone in need... someone alone and lonely... i have lived 47 yrs on this earth baby, and although i know that i have accomplished alot... i can truly say that i have seen something form within our hearts and minds and travel to fruition... we've made a lasting impression and difference in someone's life... we've helped them find hope and strength and a will to keep going! my heart is so full right now. i promised you that everything you went through would not be for nothing. that it would go on to help someone else, to help others. and it is baby! it is! i can feel you smiling down on me, i can hear your voice in my heart... it's happening, and it will keep happening! one person at a time. i love you so much baby, i miss you so much it hurts... but your life, your love, your attitude, your commitment, your drive and enthusiasm, your strength will all live on and on and on through every thing that is done, every person that is helped and encouraged. thank you for being such a shining example my sweet girl. i did not say a perfect example, i am not idolizing you. but you are a shining example nonetheless, and i am so very proud of you and your fight for life. your hunger for life. the impression you left on our lives. i love you so much baby... (as i hear a distant sweet echo...) "i love you so much too momma"... goodnight baby... i love you.
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